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Dumb Movie Conventions
2012 January 18
I try to be patient with lots of movies, but a lot of them suffer from weak writing. No genre is free from this but horror movies are a prime offender. The protagonist is usually menaced by something and in order to get eaten or butchered or whatever the Bad Thing does, has to trip and fall. Aggravating as it is when you shell out $10 and deserve better, I thought we could all laugh at them for free. I noted that men and women are depicted as equally dim in these things, but the types of buffoonery are completely different.
The women can be best described by what I call the
Lifetime Edition
- I know he’s got a long history of cheating, but he’ll be faithful to meeeee…
- Let’s see…I’m a tired new mom, grumpy, snapping at my husband, and I haven’t peeled off my baby weight yet. Ooo, I know! I’m going to hire a young, gorgeous foreign au pair to live with us! Great idea!
- Yes, I know all his wives died horrible deaths under mysterious circumstances, but I love him! It’s OK!
Men don’t fare any better under the
FX or “Sam Peckinpah” Edition
- I don’t care if bad things happen to people around her who have what she wants, and I’m a millionaire. I love her!
- Nah, it doesn’t matter that I’m old enough to be her father and I have more money that Trump. She loves me for me!
- See that giant two-headed monster drooling ebola? Yeah, I have to go poke it with a fork.
- And those last male words: Hey guys, watch this.
And both sexes suffer equally under the
Wes Craven or “Troma” Edition
- I heard a strange noise! Let me put on my high heels and flimsy nightgown so I can investigate it, unarmed!
- I’m going to stand there and point at the Bad Thing, screaming!
- People around us are dying right and left, we need to stay focused, and we’re miles away from help. Now’s a great time to have sex!
- See that old, abandoned house with the bones in the yard? Yeah, man: party!
Update: 2012 January 24
Apparently I’ve left a few out. Long-time Boulder, Colorado reader Ed writes:
Well, let’s see:
- Bunch of screw-up misfits miraculously get it together and succeed against the odds and save the city/world/company/theater/etc.
- If you believe in yourself you’ll succeed…no matter the odds or lack of talent.
- The proper mentor guarantees success, regardless of lack of talent or time.
- All he/she needs is someone to understand and he/she will be cured of antisocial/criminal tendencies. Poor childhood always plays a part.
- Thee good guy/justice always wins. The bad guy/evil is doomed to failure.
- The psychopathic murderer always looks for the promiscuous teen…especially girls.
— Shukti
